Jaded hearts and a Pocket full of Sunshine!

All the bizarre friends in my head keep me sound,

All the skepticism in my thoughts- makes me sick to the bone,

And I ignite the flames that burn my disguise,

The mask I would rather wear to go through my days,

And I cry with the sound of a million broken smiles,

I cry to get away from there,

I create dreams of the life I would rather have with the resentment of what it could have been,

I become happy with the smallest and silliest things, things that may not even exist in the real world, and yet are so potent in my head,

I’m a mind-boggling version of me, so amazing….so very real…

I’m self-righteous, but I care,

I’m stubborn, but I mature,

I’m selfish, but I love unconditionally,

I’m fixated, yet I unleash,

I’m free, but my feet are well grounded,

I’m an addict, but I’m restrained,

I’m fragile, but I’m strong-minded,

I’m victimized, but I’m optimistic,

I’m imperfect, but I’m sane,

My life….. my problem…

Don’t critic me, correct me,

Don’t pity me, accept me,

Don’t leave me, allow me,

Don’t disregard me, believe me…

TIME...

Time,
That void between birth and death,
The emptiness that fills our very reason for existence,
The gaping hole between who we are and who we like to believe we would become one day,
The people who we made smile and the tears we instigate,
The carnival of our ignorance,

Time is a charade,
The subconscious balance that wobbles the very foundation of the life we build around us – our precious refuge.
The soul of the imaginary, yet uncertain.

Time leaves us helpless,
And yet, it gives us the strength to deal with the helplessness and hopelessness,
It teaches us to inquire, to believe,
It’s just a reason, an excuse,
That seat in the back row, which always remains empty,
That orange autumn leaf in a tree with a full bloom,
That smile between kisses,
That soft touch of love, evanescent,
Each drop of what drives us with red,
It’s like a fever that we can’t sweat out,
It’s like the dance around a bonfire, of the burnt pages that we’ve scribbled our feelings on,
Every feeling that we want to let go,
We are still the fools at the wrong end of a cigarette, with every breath we take, the fire still burns at the other end,
It burns cavernous holes into the very soul it’s destined to satisfy,
Such big holes, that it gives away all our insecurities to the world,

Time is irony,
We’re the enemy and the prisoner,
A prisoner of words, and yet only a reflection,
Helpless and still bizarre.
It’s the immobilized, daft existence that validates its present, past and future, if there is one,

Time is not being able to find a better word,
Pleasure and pain, all at the same time,
Time is ambiguous,
Full of feelings, and yet the lack of them,
The numbness,


And everything burns away --with time,
The rapture, the recognition, the renaissance…..

Missing Lattice..

I walked through the barren lands, beyond the barbed wires and broken fences. ..


And there stood a church which was once full….Full of people, full of wonderful Sunday dresses, full of gossip, full of faith, Full of blasphemy- well present, but ignored…


That’s how I know this place. I had abandoned it, many a summer ago – in a search for a better life..


Now, I was back to this same place, the same fork in the road, and I was greeted half-heartedly by the same church. Only, nothing was the same anymore. 


Vultures perched on the broken fences, where happy squirrels used to scamper before. The beautiful flower garden was replaced by a bunch of cobwebs. The orange-red autumn leaves, which once brought warmth here, now made it look spooky. 


I walked in to examine the god-forsaken place. There wasn’t a sound, not even a priest. The alter looked like a stage after a poorly performed play. And the most important area of the church, which was never found empty…which was always full of army wives, alcoholics, the poor, the diseased, the widowed,….was shockingly abandoned.  Yes, the confessional- the busiest corner of the church. 


To me, the idea of confessing has always been intriguing. Does admitting one’s mistake change anything in the big picture..?  Does that little wooden box with a lattice—wait! The lattice is missing. Now that explains a lot. Now I know why the church had been abandoned. Now I know why no one came.  The favorite motivational corner for everyone was gone…and so was their faith.. Fancy a church without a fully functional confessional!


I believe strongly in the goodness of life and things. And I cannot accept that we can wash our hands of all that we have said and done in the past, just be putting them in words and have someone to hear them out. Boy, do I envy the priest’s job then!


But today, a church has proved me wrong. I see the light, not by divine intervention, but by embracing that there isn't much as evil as divinity.


Just the lack of a lattice that makes one’s face not-so hidden from the priest anymore right?  (And yes! You think the priest doesn’t recognize your voice, by now? Nicely done dear! ). You really believe in safety? 


Religion has forever bound us in its clutches, blinded us, hoodwinked us, even divided us. I’ve heard this said before: what nourishes us, destroys us. Now I see it for real. Structured religion was started out to inculcate a fear, a discipline among the people. What started out as suitably dignified.. has blown up into a redundant burden.  A formality.  An evil concept, only good enough to mask the evil that people do.


Call me a skeptic (like that’s a bad thing!). But now I’ve realized what they mean when they say, every virtuous act is inspired by a dark secret. A confession never made. A missing lattice.  

PLASTIC!

Walking out of our houses every day,

There is a new hope.

But whats new about it??

Coz we wish for the same thing every time.

More dopamine…

Caffeine…

A wish for love at first sight,

A hot date every night,

Life insurance, low interest rates,

Delicious food on platinum plates.

A sexy figure, a size-zero waist,

Sugary flavored toothpaste,

Humanity without war and poverty,

A ticket sure to win the lottery,

A two storey house,

A wealthy spouse,

Discussing  politics with a stranger in the train,

Obama is black! So let’s choose Mc Cain!

An apology to a friend, way overdue,

A pistol in your closet, with a bullet or two,

This script called life, it isn’t ours, neither is the screenplay,

But we drown ourselves in the act everyday,

We are so very trivial; we blame things on bad luck,

And that make our reality really sick to its stomach,

Until you wanna throw out, all that you ate,

A dish of disaster, all over your precious platinum plate,

Please stop this now,

And see what you have done,

The person you wanted to be,

Is nowhere near what you have become,

Open your eyes, stop and see,

Fear makes you a jailbird, hope sets you free,

All of us, abuse originality,

All of us, exist in vanity,

All of us, are hard, cold, shiny…

PLASTIC!

Be my Cigar!

Be my cigar, honey,

Be my doorway to this earth,

Of sightless needs and smoky rings,

To love, to life and everything.

Like through your gorgeous eyes, the sunlight bleeds,

Be the fulfillment to my every need,

And when I get lost in your grin of pearls,

Help me chase away these smoky swirls.

Light this cigar for me, honey,

Burn for me, like I’ve burnt for you,

Confirm my addiction to this world,

Be my cigar honey,

Be my link to this world.

Help me escape from this frightening illusion,

These clouds of smoke and harsh confusion,

Escape from my lips, like a flood of lace,

Be by my side and don’t fall from grace.

Be my cigar, honey,

Be my doorway to this earth,

Of sightless needs and smoky rings,

To love, to life and everything.

I am Irony...

I am irony


I’m an ally of truth and a lover of lies,
The look of love through blood lusting eyes,


A burning firehouse, on a rainy day,
The urge to run faster, when you lose your way,


A damaged record, of the Sonata of Silence,
A serene death, for a life of violence,

A vacant coffin, an empty gun,
A never-ending bridge, a virgin’s son,

A raging fire, a dying flame,
Love, cynicism, resentment and blame….


I am irony

........And a bottle of rum!

The sky was the colour of complacence..


Well, if complacence was a colour, it would be this one..

Davis Booth died today...

A guy who had grown to be a wrong person..

We had been talking for a long time..

Running out of rum, but not out of conversation..

He was a nice man..

I wish he didn’t have to die..

I wish I didn’t have to kill him..

I’m not the person who kills someone..

I’m the one who messes with their heads..

Making them wanna kill themselves..

Davis had been stabbed four times with a knife..

It wasn’t dramatic as I had imagined my first murder to be..

I stood there…staring, biting my lips sore..

I don’t think I’m gonna kill again..

You always imagine murder as blood and struggle..

You always tend to ignore disposing the body, cleaning the weapon,

Which is actually the most tiresome part..

Why did I kill Davis..?

There are no reasons..

But who wants one when you have a knife, a map,

Some cheap rum and a decent amount of gratitude for a little death once in a while?

A good day!

Morning..
Sunrise...
Open, my eyes,

And I can tell it's gonna be a good day
I can tell it's gonna be a good day!

Archelaus

"…..in those black high heels and the glitter jean jacket, that scarf with the weird ketchup stain on it and tie your hair exactly in the same way like you did on the day when we first held hands. Be there, I’ll be waiting…” His voice was heavy, and hurried like the wind. With an inch short of emotion he said again, “Be there.”

Silence…. and then the beep of the phone. He had called her from the local pay phone near the children orphanage, where he could hear the children sing about life, love and hope. It was 8.30.

He sat on the park bench which was damp with the recent downpour. His sneakers were wet. He carefully placed his wallet and his drum sticks on the bench and smiled at them.

10 pm came and so did she in those black high heels, glitter jean jacket and the hair tied in a half pony tail with bangs flying in the light breeze.

They lay in the grass in silence and counted the stars. She sang her last song to him. It was a sad song named “Goodbye” sung by a local band.
“Pick a star” she said, “name it Archelaus. It’ll be our star forever.”
He picked the first star he could see between the tree branches and named it Archelaus.

The grass was wet and cold. But their entwined hands were warm. They prayed for a miracle to happen. They prayed for their hands to magically fuse together. They prayed that this moment lasted forever. That didn’t happen.

He walked her to her lane. Her parents weren't fond of him. He was much older, long hair, tattoo, dark skinned..

He kissed her on her forehead, longer than he usually did and left her a note.
It read “I’ll love you, always..”
He walked back home alone and in silence.

This had been his routine for the past two years- Meeting her at 10 at the park. But she sang happier songs then. Songs about love…songs about hope…Songs about forever…They would hold hands. They wouldn’t be so restless. The kiss on the forehead would be shorter and he never left a note.So, this night was a little different.


He called her again the next day. “Be there. I’ll be waiting…”
But he didn’t hear the usual “uhummm” from the other end. Instead he heard, “Hey this is Carol. I’ve moved to Paris permanently. I know this was all so sudden. I'll miss you guys! Bye!”

He sat on the park bench. It was 11 pm. “You’re late”, he said and smiled to himself. 
He went back home and sat in his balcony. He looked up at the sky. His hair was salty with sweat, his face saltier with tears. With a hoarse voice, weighed down with pain, he sang to Archelaus. The wind blew harder and a few crumpled notes that he had practiced his handwriting on flew away from his hands. All of them read, “I’ll love you, always..”

I think.....I introspect.....I wish....

I sit awake at night...

Less on my bed, more in the place between the contradictory truths than sum me up...

And I really do, I do wish the world is a much better place,

I wish we all stop trying to fit into the places where we are born to stand out,

That we could for once accept ourselves before we expect this from others,

I wish we realize how much it means to be who we are today,

That our conscience is still very much a part of us, rather than just a nice sounding word,
I wish we are silent enough to hear the silence screaming its sermons to everyone,

That life is actually how it seems to be and isn’t existence in disguise,

And that love is a sanctum, a symphony of sanguinity,

That the rain washes away all the grey in loneliness,

That our souls were made of metal and it rusted if we broke a heart,

That music is life, and not a reason for living,
I wish life was more about contentment rather than competition,

I wish that scrapped knees could substitute torn beliefs,

I think….
I introspect…
I wish…

You are never too old...!

Dream……dream big! You are never too old to dream a new dream.
Isn’t that a beautiful statement?
But why do people belittle themselves so quickly?
When you see someone dancing or playing the guitar….
You picture yourself before a live audience…you want to be a star…
And then the voice in your head takes over….
You start to think….
“If I were young now, maybe I could learn to dance and play.”
But now that you are older…..you give that dream away…
You curse your childhood. You begin to repent…
You promise yourself with all solemnity,
“My child will (has to) achieve all this for me!” You are hell-bent!
Why can’t you just stop for a minute and think….introspect...
Wake up….you are not dead yet!
And believe it or not you can still learn now….achieve more that you expect…
How old is old..?? 20? 40? 80? Why the sudden necessity to be all grown up?
Get rid of that oldie in you…
Crack a dirty joke….blow some bubbles…
Steal cookies….get into trouble….
Splash in the rain….Be a li’l insane…
Who said you’re too old..??
Get that idea out of your head….
Dream your dream and go for it…..
Coz if you don’t, you’re already dead….

CLOSE.......

So close,

But yet so far,

My arms are outstretched,

The blinding light guides me,

Who knows where I'll be lead?

All I can do is anticipate, that the end of the path isn’t far,

I now hold on to every vacant smile,

I comfort myself with all the lies,

I have no fear.

Why should I?

The next moment is ambiguous.

Courageous, I move through the crowd,

Their vacant faces try to entice me, drain me,

Every change might be trouble in disguise,

The world is cold, but warmth can be found only in you, my love,

You are a constant star,

Immovable---like the sun,

The steadiness of your love is comfort,

The uncertainty of life isn’t,

The silver lining is all but blinding me from the dark clouds that have gathered,

The wind blows with all its might and rattles my bones,

But the flame withstands everything, it burns,

The day is cold,

And the night, stormy,

Hold my hand honey,

Sit with me till the storm passes,

The battle is more reassuring when you have a hand to hold on to,

The razor sharp blades being right behind me,

Bounce off as long as you are with me,

Together we surmount the unbeatable,

Together we move towards a reality we choose….

SCHIZOPHRENIA

It was a late afternoon in 2006..I left my house to call you…

I really missed you…I love talking to you…

Why am I like this..? 
Why do I startle everyone…? 
Why do I offend ladies..?? 
Why do I alarm children…? 
Why do dogs bark at me whenever I pass by them..??

Why does everyone say that you do not exist….that you were never there…?


They tied me to a chair….poured cold water on my head….passed electricity through me…..

till I begged them to stop….

till I told them that you never existed…

till I promised to believe in their lies….

Why did they tell me that you haunted my mind….that you made my life miserable..?  You were the only one who gave my mind some stability…

When I came home, I saw the scarred reality that my life actually is. Why did your mending seem so fictional to them??

Without you, I don’t feel like myself. I feel worse than a cheap copy of myself.

So, I realized, if you can’t beat them, join them!

I put up an act, which worked better than I expected!

Now I tell everyone that you were just a fragment of my mind, I lie.

Now, I never look at myself in the mirror, our uncanny resemblance worries me. But I tell them I’m vain, I lie.

Now I am different to others. I make friends with little children. I smile at the women on the streets. I feed the dogs and pet them.  I am not me anymore.

I’m an illusion. But I wait for your calls though. I still believe in you, brother.  I still see you in my family photographs.

Waiting for you to show up some day, has made me a very light sleeper.

When you are here, I don’t pretend.

When you are here, my smile is genuine.

When you are here, reality finally starts feeling like reality again.

But they…..they will never perceive you like I do..

They will never understand…..no they won’t…

......

A sudden realization dawns on me,
My eyes are wide open, I start to see,
I see the truth, ornamented with razor sharp daggers,
Waiting to pierce my eyes, make me blind.
I was so mistaken, little did I see,
The world was never so sugar-coated as it had seemed to me,
Life is a circus, they say, full of phony clowns,
Putting on an act for you, but ever ready to pounce,
My eyes detest the reality that rests in front of me,
I yearn for the illusion I lived in, I wished this was a bad dream,
When my life was spiraling out of control,
I was falling into an abysmal void,
I reached out for help, I yelled and screamed,
They said they care for me, so they breathed down my neck,
They kept a watch on me; they noted what makes me tick,
They waited for me to weaken, and fall prey to their help,
Then planned to lock me behind my own scarred life, with the walls closing in brick by brick.
But,
I was saved from the terrible plunge, by a noble savior,
An assassin they sent to take my life,
A savior ready to pull the trigger,
I look into his ever so gorgeously intense eyes,
He looks into mine and senses my fear,
His gaze softens,
And the lion falls in love with the lamb…..
:D